Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Of course, the bipolarity of change is a beautiful thing.
Having said that, I hate change for so many reasons. I want to be a kid forever. I want to be in love forever. I want to be in one beautiful moment forever.
On the other hand, I love change because change connotes growth, maturity, complexity. I want to experience all the intricacies of love, even if that means pain is necessarily involved. I not only want to see the world; I want to experience it.
These days, I think about her a lot. If I think about her for more than a few seconds, the pain becomes unbearable.
I crave real human connection. No bullshitting, no shit-talking, no joking around. Just very real dialogue that changes you once the conversation is over.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
So I'm youtubing (yes, "youtubing," yet another 21st century verb) Samba videos.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I love being a girl, right?
But there are very acute moments (usually once a month) when it is legitimately an illness to have a vagina.
(Feminists, go to another blog.)
You are quite literally a victim of nature and your own body.
I, for one, get moody as all hell. Happy one moment, depressed the next.
I am also extremely good at hiding it. I run: physically and emotionally.
I am literally my own terrorist, physical trainer, psychologist.
I wish I wasn't. I wish I put that on God, but I don't.
I talk to Him when the pain gets too overwhelming to handle alone, which it always does.
And I refuse to go to Human with those issues, no matter how much I love and trust him/her.
I fear the prospect of confused facial expressions, biased advice, and dismissal too much.
I’m harsh enough on myself.
Furthermore (I use that word a lot in essays), I think too much.
The problem is that I am so unapologetic about who I am: the whole moody, messy, overly analytical Me.
The thing with being unapologetic is that the moment people tell me that that’s a good trait, the moment I become complacent and eventually become dissatisfied with who I am.
AND THE CYCLE REPEATS ITSELF.
In other words, people’s compliments can’t withstand the views I have of myself. I’ll tear that shit down.
All of the above is me barely scratching the surface of my thoughts.
And...of course, I miss my grandma.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
This entry might end up being a bit more emo cuz it’s late.
The valley kid is like an unfulfilled dream.
We often want to get out of the valley so maybe we’ll hang out in greater Los Angeles but end up hanging out at all the same spots that other valley kids hang at. It’s financially stupid to move because our backbone (the parents) is here. We are segregated demographically and fail to recognize it. Some of us resort to being semi-hipsters and actually think it’s cool. Others of us remain complacent and go on with our quotidian lives working at the mall or Starbucks. Still others of us emulate the Lohans, the Hiltons, and the Kardashians and think it’s cool to use phrases like “like” and “shut up” extensively while simultaneously having some jacked-up intonations inour sentences. It’s a funny sort of irony, really. Many of us go for the top of the trend or the “first” of something or the flashiest new accessory and it only succeeds to sink you that much deeper into the “UN-unique” pile of people.
Then I realize I am describing a lot of America, not justthe valley. Materialism, or whatever you want to call it, makes me want to puke. It’s always overrated and yet we are all always victims of it.
Sorry, LA. On to Brazil…
I miss walking in the oldest part of the city, downtown Salvador, on Tuesday nights, walking with just two or three friends, knowing you’ll run into 20 more later, and going from one free club to another. Not club, in the LA or Vegas sense of a club, but club as in open dance space and live band-type club. We’d start at reggae, then samba and make our way over to salsa. Always live, always heavy on the percussion. No BS, frou frou drinks, either. Solid drinkable beer or strong caipirinhas. That’s it. Thursdays were dub-reggae and I always partied with the same Brazilians at least twice a week. You just look at people, give them a nod of recognition, a high-five, an “Oi” (“hey”/”hi”), and there it was: instant human connection.
It’s hard to find that in LA. It’s nearly impossible to find that in LA, actually.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
It’s been agood day. It’s not even noon yet, so let’s not jinx it. It’s just one of those mornings. It’s been one week since my kidney infection. SO painful. Makes you completely vulnerable to pain and a slave to your own sickbody. The worst feeling ever. I had a little bit of extra time in the morning to fishbraid my hair, put on a bit of makeup, eat a protein-rich breakfast, take a multivitamin (I remembered today!) and even grab a small cup of coffee (I can’tget by my first class without it). There’s this group of old creepy men that hang out at Starbucks (also my job) and I can feel their eyes undress me when I enter & when I exit, but I don’t let that stop me from enjoying my extra gross cup of Pike coffee. My Ipod’s on shuffle and it’s really bustin’ out the hits this morning. Lots of feel-good beats, sprinkled with some badass hip-hop bitch hits. I feel like Rihanna driving down the 101&405 even ifI was probably going an average of 40 mph most of the way. I hate Westwood but it's is always like 10 degrees cooler, and as though my day weren’t going swell already (yes, SWELL), I get my Jurisprudence midterm back with a “B”! Now, any Korean reading this will (and probably should) judge me, but I was totally expecting to get an honest “D” on this exam so a “B” made mykidneys pretty happy. Of course, like the technology-savvy girl that I am (I’m really not), I had to tell my 700+ stranger friends on FB that being a nerd pays off.
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