Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Silly thoughts of a silly girl

All I can offer right now is a (not so) short update on my life. & some thoughts.
Well, well, well.

I had a telephone interview today with this school to become a certified English teacher.
English, as in the different between "their," "there," and "they're," not English as in Shakespeare and Walt Whitman.

Immediate travel plans are Mexico then possibly spend the end of November in Korea with my mom. Korea always makes me feel so grounded and thankful. See below.

I had a silly little thought the other day - a thought that I just kept developing until it sort of consumed me. Here it is:

My travels. Each geographic location. A different experience. A different love.
Korea embodies my roots. She reminds me and keeps me grounded. Her naivete inspires me.
Paris was my first leap, but Barcelona was my first real risk.
Argentina and Guatemala are like two totally different, equally complex personalities I met on a bus and had amazing life-changing conversations with. I think of them often.

Mexico. Ah, Mexico. Like Erykah sang, "He gave me poetry. He was my first." He opened my eyes to sounds and flavors I never knew even existed. He challenged me to the limits of my personality. I always think of Mexico with so much love. Even when people talk shit, I always defend him. I'm always wanting to go back to him. More time is never enough.

And then we have Brazil. Hmm...Brazil is like that surprisingly passionate, profoundly intimate, tragically short love affair that I just can't stop thinking about.

Ah, I miss you, TRAVEL.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

except vs. accept

I put this unnecessary pressure on myself to be the best at everything, which worked as a child when I was doing it subconsciously, but now that I'm starting to identify more of the qualities I don't like as much as I used to, it just seems so petty. And a true waste of time. An inability to accept my limits as a humanoid. Come on, Joy. We've been through this a thousand times. I've probably done this with every new activity or hobby I've picked up over the years, or any new role I've assumed. Though, at least (I think) I've managed to master some things. And not all bad ;)

School's over. For now, anyways.
I can't believe I have to wait four months to physically hold that piece of paper that is the culmination of my four (five?) years of hard work. And I do mean it when I say "hard work."

I am incredibly sleep-deprived. I crave books and travel. And language!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Saudades, como sempre

I may have to change the mission statement of this blog because Brazil's looking pretty far away.

Financially, yes, it's lookin' quite a mess.
But more importantly, because of some very real adult decisions I'm making.

Without giving too much away, if I had it my way, it'd be SD, Latin America, back to the U.S., back to Latin America for awhile, then finally in the U.S. This is my four-year plan.

Meanwhile, I'm still working on my goal to be fluent in 5 languages by the time I'm 25. I've been slacking a little bit. I'm on 3 and a half; less then 3 years to go!

Where my heart lies (plus Mexico, unfortunately not shown here):
I encountered this awesome wall decor made of plates and rope at a Mexican restaurant in Sao Paulo. Amazing...

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Change is Me.

Change is a terrifying thing.
Of course, the bipolarity of change is a beautiful thing.

Having said that, I hate change for so many reasons. I want to be a kid forever. I want to be in love forever. I want to be in one beautiful moment forever.
On the other hand, I love change because change connotes growth, maturity, complexity. I want to experience all the intricacies of love, even if that means pain is necessarily involved. I not only want to see the world; I want to experience it.

These days, I think about her a lot. If I think about her for more than a few seconds, the pain becomes unbearable.

I crave real human connection. No bullshitting, no shit-talking, no joking around. Just very real dialogue that changes you once the conversation is over.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

O amor e feio

The content of my blogs are becoming too private.

Brazil is looking feio ("ugly"). Well, MY Brazil SITUATION is looking feio.
Falando disso, meu portugues ta feio. (Speaking of which my Portuguese is ugly).

I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I want too much. AH! JOY, STOP!
Back to a superficial blog...

Good thing LA has its own whitewashed version of Brazil.
But this year, we're getting Afro-Brasil!!!
I can't wait!!! Ahhhhhhh toddler excitement.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Samba what?

So I'm youtubing (yes, "youtubing," yet another 21st century verb) Samba videos.
Oh, I miss you, Samba. Dirty, bastardized, street Samba from Bahia.

Mr. beef saw me dance this weekend. Like the way I really dance when I'm feelin' the music, not the way I make fun of white people dance (fist pumps & two steps). Mostly my hip hopperized version of salsa and samba, but it was nerve racking! At first, anyway.
Once that Afro-brasileira in me comes out, she just won't stop! Until, well, "Today Was a Good Day" comes on, and then it's all Kimora Lee/Nikki Minaj/Amerie from there.
What can I say? I loves me some Ice Cube. Especially if you're in Downey. You just gotta do it.

Anyways, as soon as shy Korean Joy resurfaced, I was feeling pretty embarrassed.

I did get to see a few friends I studied with in Brazil. I haven't seen 2 out of 3 since Brazil.
The four of us got some tipsy Portuguese in while Boyfriend was judging us.
It's okay. We were speaking some jacked up Portuguese. Good times.

*Speaking of good times, with my photo, I reminisce on times when I actually sort of liked my hair, which is definitely not the case today.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Brasil's 1st lady prez?

IF I make it to Brasil by February, we'll have a new president.
This is me sharing knowledge with the world. Or the four people that read my blog :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

It'll grow back, asshole.

It's really sad how emotionally attached we are to the dumbest things. Like money. And food.
And in my case, hair.
I got a hair cut today. Apparently not everyone's definition of "trim" and "2 inches" is the same.
That bitch must've cut off at least 4 or 5 inches. And she's my people, too.
She did me wrong.
That's all for today.
She did me wrong!

P.S. This is just one more reason I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love. Cuz I'm an emo schoolgirl bitch who cries when her hair is cut too short.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Decisions, decisions. 5 countries vs. Brazil

I always feel so awkward/uncomfortable receiving services from other Asian people.
Like at nail salons or foot spas or even pho restaurants. I can't explain exactly why.
Maybe this is why I haven't really dated any Asians...hahaha. I'm just kidding.
I really don't know why that last part is.

So, I have some really awesome news.
My dad has some pretty extensive travel plans for the next few months & today, my mom suggests I go with him, which leaves some major pros and cons:

Cons: 1) Not having as much autonomy as I would like (That in itself is enough to maybe not go...?) 2) Not having enough money to go to Brazil in February = BIG con! 3) Probably having to forfeit my awesome, prestigious position at Starbucks. (I'm totally kidding.)

Pros: Argentina, Chile, South Korea, Cambodia, China. I KNOW!!!

Ahh, I dunno, i dunno! I love traveling so much I don't know what to do with myself!

On another note, NERD ALERT! I love my Political Violence class. It's all about the phenomena (yes, the phenomena) of terrorism. I'll stop right there cuz I won't stop. And I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love so I can finish it before I go watch the film. ALONE. :)

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Free parties help.

Things are lookin' up.
I worked that double shift yesterday. Went from like 9 to 13 hours this week.
Damn, I'll be high rollin' in Brazil by February, fasho.

On another note, got kicked out of a club last night.
And it wasn't even for fighting. WTF.
Apparently asking for free water is an unwritten sin.

My doctor said I have to drink plenty of fluids this weekend to flush out the bacteria.
So, that means LOTS of water this weekend.
And beer.

Tonight I'll be hanging out with a bunch of grown frat boys that can actually pay for their debauchery. And their waterfall & live band.
The theme of this party? Yes.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Heart on my sleeve: a rarity.

I love being a girl, right?

But there are very acute moments (usually once a month) when it is legitimately an illness to have a vagina.

(Feminists, go to another blog.)

You are quite literally a victim of nature and your own body.

I, for one, get moody as all hell. Happy one moment, depressed the next.

I am also extremely good at hiding it. I run: physically and emotionally.

I am literally my own terrorist, physical trainer, psychologist.

I wish I wasn't. I wish I put that on God, but I don't.

I talk to Him when the pain gets too overwhelming to handle alone, which it always does.

And I refuse to go to Human with those issues, no matter how much I love and trust him/her.

I fear the prospect of confused facial expressions, biased advice, and dismissal too much.

I’m harsh enough on myself.

Furthermore (I use that word a lot in essays), I think too much.

The problem is that I am so unapologetic about who I am: the whole moody, messy, overly analytical Me.

The thing with being unapologetic is that the moment people tell me that that’s a good trait, the moment I become complacent and eventually become dissatisfied with who I am.


In other words, people’s compliments can’t withstand the views I have of myself. I’ll tear that shit down.

All of the above is me barely scratching the surface of my thoughts.

And...of course, I miss my grandma.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm getting old...

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.
I was in a really strange mood.
I couldn't wait to get my nerd endorphins going.
I mean, I wore running shoes with jeans today. Abnormal act #1.
Doctor said my peepee was normal so I rushed to donate blood today. Abnormal act #2.

I have so many friends I need to reconnect with, it's not even funny.
I think about them like I think about Brazil: constantly.

Oh, and I slapped a girl with my hair when she walked past me. It wasn't planned, but it was funny.

It's always weird when the girl-next-door artists get really dolled up, but in this case I really dig CBR's transformation. Musically, her first album is better, in my humble opinion.

Insomnia: friend or foe?

I spent way too much dough this month.
I can't help it.
Good company, good food, good times make you make it rain.
Speaking of July, seriously, where the hell did this year go?
I'm running out of time!
I gotta get serious about this frugality business.
A good camera will be my last investment.
I swear. Again.

Summer gives me insomnia.
I get a sort of masochistic pleasure from insomnia because I feel super productive at 3am but I'm almost guaranteed to suffer the next day.

Last week of summer school Sesh A. That makes my liver quiver with excitement.
Doctor again tomorrow to make sure my pee is clear. I mean, to make sure my kidney infection's clear. This whole K-infection business makes me feel like this: "WTF! I do all this shit to stay healthy and I get a stupid K-infection. Oh, the irony..."

The only thing more annoying than not being able to sleep when you have to wake up early is getting a text from a random dude callin' you "boo." Really? Really?! You have facebook, bro! There's no excuses. You know when that relationship status is up on facebook, it's official!

I'm proud of us. We didn't watch any tv this weekend. And we got a picture. Success. Or no?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Being home vs. feeling at home

I love you, LA, but you can really suck sometimes (one of many reasons I miss Brazil).

This entry might end up being a bit more emo cuz it’s late.

The valley kid is like an unfulfilled dream.

We often want to get out of the valley so maybe we’ll hang out in greater Los Angeles but end up hanging out at all the same spots that other valley kids hang at. It’s financially stupid to move because our backbone (the parents) is here. We are segregated demographically and fail to recognize it. Some of us resort to being semi-hipsters and actually think it’s cool. Others of us remain complacent and go on with our quotidian lives working at the mall or Starbucks. Still others of us emulate the Lohans, the Hiltons, and the Kardashians and think it’s cool to use phrases like “like” and “shut up” extensively while simultaneously having some jacked-up intonations inour sentences. It’s a funny sort of irony, really. Many of us go for the top of the trend or the “first” of something or the flashiest new accessory and it only succeeds to sink you that much deeper into the “UN-unique” pile of people.

Then I realize I am describing a lot of America, not justthe valley. Materialism, or whatever you want to call it, makes me want to puke. It’s always overrated and yet we are all always victims of it.

Sorry, LA. On to Brazil…

I miss walking in the oldest part of the city, downtown Salvador, on Tuesday nights, walking with just two or three friends, knowing you’ll run into 20 more later, and going from one free club to another. Not club, in the LA or Vegas sense of a club, but club as in open dance space and live band-type club. We’d start at reggae, then samba and make our way over to salsa. Always live, always heavy on the percussion. No BS, frou frou drinks, either. Solid drinkable beer or strong caipirinhas. That’s it. Thursdays were dub-reggae and I always partied with the same Brazilians at least twice a week. You just look at people, give them a nod of recognition, a high-five, an “Oi” (“hey”/”hi”), and there it was: instant human connection.

It’s hard to find that in LA. It’s nearly impossible to find that in LA, actually.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Post #1 got nothin' to do with Brazil.

It’s been agood day. It’s not even noon yet, so let’s not jinx it. It’s just one of those mornings. It’s been one week since my kidney infection. SO painful. Makes you completely vulnerable to pain and a slave to your own sickbody. The worst feeling ever. I had a little bit of extra time in the morning to fishbraid my hair, put on a bit of makeup, eat a protein-rich breakfast, take a multivitamin (I remembered today!) and even grab a small cup of coffee (I can’tget by my first class without it). There’s this group of old creepy men that hang out at Starbucks (also my job) and I can feel their eyes undress me when I enter & when I exit, but I don’t let that stop me from enjoying my extra gross cup of Pike coffee. My Ipod’s on shuffle and it’s really bustin’ out the hits this morning. Lots of feel-good beats, sprinkled with some badass hip-hop bitch hits. I feel like Rihanna driving down the 101&405 even ifI was probably going an average of 40 mph most of the way. I hate Westwood but it's is always like 10 degrees cooler, and as though my day weren’t going swell already (yes, SWELL), I get my Jurisprudence midterm back with a “B”! Now, any Korean reading this will (and probably should) judge me, but I was totally expecting to get an honest “D” on this exam so a “B” made mykidneys pretty happy. Of course, like the technology-savvy girl that I am (I’m really not), I had to tell my 700+ stranger friends on FB that being a nerd pays off.