Thursday, July 29, 2010

Heart on my sleeve: a rarity.

I love being a girl, right?

But there are very acute moments (usually once a month) when it is legitimately an illness to have a vagina.

(Feminists, go to another blog.)

You are quite literally a victim of nature and your own body.

I, for one, get moody as all hell. Happy one moment, depressed the next.

I am also extremely good at hiding it. I run: physically and emotionally.

I am literally my own terrorist, physical trainer, psychologist.

I wish I wasn't. I wish I put that on God, but I don't.

I talk to Him when the pain gets too overwhelming to handle alone, which it always does.

And I refuse to go to Human with those issues, no matter how much I love and trust him/her.

I fear the prospect of confused facial expressions, biased advice, and dismissal too much.

I’m harsh enough on myself.

Furthermore (I use that word a lot in essays), I think too much.

The problem is that I am so unapologetic about who I am: the whole moody, messy, overly analytical Me.

The thing with being unapologetic is that the moment people tell me that that’s a good trait, the moment I become complacent and eventually become dissatisfied with who I am.

AND THE CYCLE REPEATS ITSELF.

In other words, people’s compliments can’t withstand the views I have of myself. I’ll tear that shit down.

All of the above is me barely scratching the surface of my thoughts.

And...of course, I miss my grandma.

2 comments:

  1. I recently read an article that in relationships, guys tend to be MORE anxious than their female counterparts, but they don't show it. Where women tend to cry and just talk about their problems, men tend to be reserved and instead of talking or showing emotion, they turn to mood-affecting substances such as alcohol or cigarettes.
    We've all got problems, and nothing in the world will satisfy.
    But I think that's the point: to see that only Christ will satisfy.
    John Newton wrote this great hymn about how the saints throughout the ages have struggled with themselves called "I Asked the Lord":

    1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
    In faith and love and every grace
    Might more of His salvation know
    And seek more earnestly His face

    2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
    And He I trust has answered prayer
    But it has been in such a way
    As almost drove me to despair

    3. I hoped that in some favored hour
    At once He'd answer my request
    And by His love's constraining power
    Subdue my sins and give me rest

    4. Instead of this He made me feel
    The hidden evils of my heart
    And let the angry powers of Hell
    Assault my soul in every part

    5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
    Intent to aggravate my woe
    Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
    Cast out my feelings, laid me low

    6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
    Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
    "Tis in this way" The Lord replied
    "I answer prayer for grace and faith"

    7. "These inward trials I employ
    From self and pride to set thee free
    And break thy schemes of earthly joy
    That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
    That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

    You see, every Christian struggles with this, but the solution isn't more self-esteem because eventually you'll just see yourself for who you really are and despair. The real solution is "God-esteem"--that He finds you valuable enough to send His Son for you to redeem you for His good purposes.

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  2. That's just it, bro. The week I wrote this I felt so worthless and hypocritical. My closest friends will tell you that I have the hardest time receiving compliments. And that has nothing to do with what I esteem myself from a worldly perspective. From a world's perspective, I might be a somewhat interesting girl that is relatively moral but God has blessed me to see me for what I really am: sinful, hypocritical, shaky, sinful, and the list goes on and on. I say "blessed" because well, you already know this, the Holy Spirit is keeping me dissatisfied with who I am right now, as I should feel. I don't ever want to become complacent with the kind of person I am right now. It's frustrating because it is quite black and white. I just keep trying to convince myself that "gray" works for me, and it just doesn't.

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